I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
