at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
