Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I just want nice things and good sex
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
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