so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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