Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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