So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
