You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
