new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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