I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
