so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
