Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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