so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
