Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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