she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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