she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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