My hand turned me down
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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