apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
