I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
