Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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