I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Two words: blizzard sex
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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