Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
