If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize