I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
