eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
