Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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