Your tits are I can't wait for
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
