I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
