my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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