Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
