If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
