id be glad to
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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