dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
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