After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
