His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I am midnight drunk by noon
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
