Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
