i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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