i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize