Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
