i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
