FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
