i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
