Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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