Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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