A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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