I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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