No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
