Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
