didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
