So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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