im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Randomize
