dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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