Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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