At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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