Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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