we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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